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Sunday, 9 September 2018

Do you know I wrote a poem if that's what you want to call it, I don't know when I wrote it but I stumbled across it, guess I was in a bad place then, so im gonna put it on here. Hopefully won't depress anyone here goes...

My tears are so loud I hope he doesn't hear, I know he doesn't care so him hearing is my fear, I feel so alone a burden to myself if I hate myself that bad I know death is my fate, I wish I felt loved, I wish I felt safe I know he won't harm me   but not listening is just as bad, I wish that I could end this, I've never felt so sad. I wake in the morning wishing I didn't, knowing at work nothing will be different, I sit in my chair dreading the day, pull my knife across my wrist but only a scratch, I don't have the guts, I love the Lord Jesus, which stops me again, to kill myself is an unforgivable sin. So what do you do when you can't carry on, the smile on your face is a cover not fun, they know that you hurt but not how deep it goes, they wouldn't understand, they don't wear your clothes. .

Don't think I can make a living writing, here lately I feel myself going back to that dark place, and don't know how to get out, they talk about kids being bullied at school and the harm it does, and it's true because I got my share of it, but you never think as an adult you will be bullied, and im not talking about just at home, the workplace is just as bad, and when you speak your mind it's not smiled upon, my daughter told me once about gas lighting, I looked it up and I have a few people in the workplace that do this, every morning I wake up in a bad mood, then I get mad because i'm in a bad mood so I punch something then I cry because I don't understand why I feel this way, but I can't cry cause i'm an ugly crier and don't want my husband to know, because he has no compassion, and on that, i'm starting to hate marriage, people used to say I wish my husband did laundry or cooked or cleaned and I figured yeah I guess I can deal with him being a cranky jerk half the time because he does a lot, but now it seems the only time he gets off the couch is to go to work or sleep. I'm becoming resentful, and that makes me mad then sad and here we go again, I guess for me this is life and I best suck it up.

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